- PGY1 is in the books!
- four years married to my guy
- slow mornings at home
- south carolina peaches
- porch kitty basking in the sunlight
Tonight I said, “Sure, I’ll walk with you.”
This is so unlike me. I enjoy my solitary walks across the medical center campus long after sunset – the way the lights circle the tree trunks along the greenway, a little bit of cheer among a sometimes cheer-less day. I’ve been known to stay later simply for this time alone.
Today I had plans for the same. I had bottled up my frustrating moments of the day, ready to release streaming tears down my face as I walked, a therapy in itself. But tonight I said, “Sure.”
We walked side by side with faces pointing forward, the unexpected rain pouring down around us, jackets pulled tightly around our bodies protecting from the wind. We talk, without seeing, about clinical rotations, plans for the upcoming months, the insanity of it all. We laugh when the cars driving by send waves crashing up and over the curb, threatening what little of us is still dry.
We parted ways on the third floor with a smile and see you tomorrow. My face is damp when I reach my car. From the rain this time, not from my overflowing overwhelm. And I’m glad that I said, “Sure.” I’m glad that you asked.
I wrote about match day just a hot second ago (actually months now). Things change so quickly that documenting the big moments feels overwhelmingly impossible when all of our moments feel like the big moments. And that’s okay, for me at least, because there are times when it gets foggy and recognizing any moment at all is something of note. Time may pass as if it was never there, but to be aware of the passing is a gift. A difficult, humbling gift. I’ve now moved to my new city and begun what is sure to be a challenging and rewarding residency program. In the short time at my new hospital, I have completed orientation, training, and almost my first rotation as a pharmacy resident. What have I learned?
Residency takes a village, y’all.
It takes co-residents who sludge through the daily grind together, share exhausted smiles, and offer small bits of encouragement. It takes preceptors who love to teach so that new pharmacists succeed and grow in confidence. It takes program grads who reach out and ask how things are going. It takes coworkers who tolerate questions upon questions. It takes summoning 700 different selves deep within you to meet 700 different challenges throughout the day. It takes non-pharmacy peeps to keep you grounded and round out the “outside” life a bit. It takes family who have no concept of what I do each day but still firmly believe that I can do it (and remind me of that, too). It takes all of these people and more who daily go unnoticed in the background making every little detail of a large program run smoothly. Residency takes a big, strong village because these months aren’t easy. Young grads are filled with such strong desire to learn more and be better, and it’s this village that will help us do just that. I’m grateful for mine.
1. 🙌 🙌 🙌 three pairs of “hands raised in celebration” for Tracy at O’Reilly Auto Parts for
helping me replacing my headlight
2. First cups of coffee at 5 pm (because at this point in my life the end of the work day is really the beginning of the work day)
3. Hebrews 7:22
4. How friendly the cashiers are at my local Publix
5. Every. single. moment. of 13 going on 30
I wrote this two years ago, and suddenly here we are:
My anxiety’s name is Ann. She is loyal and licentious. She is envious. She commandeers my joyful moments and replaces them with doubt. I call her Ann because “Ann”xiety (duh), but also I often have to remind myself that she is simply Ann emotion. She is not me; nor does she represent me. She does not have the final say because she is disobedient, ruthless, and deceitful. She has no one’s best interest at heart, other than her inconsolable friends depression and despair. She is simply an emotion that forces me to be intentional with my steps. She is separate. She is there, and I tip toe around her hoping she won’t see. But I also stomp my feet with purpose, unafraid of if she hears. Some days I feel her close like an itch I just can’t spot. Some days I tie her tightly and throw her out with all the rot. She will return, and that is fine. She is an emotion. She is excited by another. She is not me.
In another lifetime I wrote a different blog.
One full of prayer and grace and carefully crafted essays that I was brave enough to share with the locals because I wasn’t actually local. I was over 8,000 miles away. I stumbled across that blog tonight and I sat in bed crying, with my husband asleep next to me, as I remembered that girl. She seems so brave to me now. She boarded a plane with strangers, found solace in the Indian sunsets, relied on daily ramen noodles, and rode into the village on the bench seat of a beat up jeep to help care for the lepers. Those words she wrote… oh, what she says to me now… I need to hear it. Life is good. Community is good. Give thanks for joy and grace.
Lord, let those words soak deep into my days and permeate those dry, deprived places. Navigating life, personally and professionally, can wear a girl thin. I’m in the last stretch of school, which means a breadth of opportunities and also fear of losing each one, of making the wrong decision, of saying the wrong thing, of not checking off each to-do box. Never again will I be in this moment, with circumstances both so big and so small. So I can’t help but be grateful when I know some where half way round the world is a priest who once told me to take it slow, to avoid the temptation and downfall of “proving oneself.” I won’t allow myself to feel the frustration of still treading through those same thoughts; I’ll only be satisfied that she recorded those words to remind me yet again of such basic truth.
In another lifetime, maybe I was braver. In a different way. But I’m pretty brave now too. I’m brave enough to say that it’s still not all figured out, that I can find comfort from my college-senior self, that I still believe life is good. Community is good. Give thanks for joy and grace.